By Harry Loney
I know they do, you know they do, we all know they do.
New Year’s resolutions are rubbish. Every year without fail, in the buildup up the 31st December, That Question arrives. It’s the one you’ve either been dreading (because you don’t know the answer) or have been drooling with anticipation for it (because you do):
“What’s YOUR New Year’s resolution?”
Some annoying dude
It will probably be said smugly, as the asker invariably doesn’t care and only wants you to ask it back to them. You could say it is to murder all the puppies in Paraguay and they’d just wish you good luck.
But New Year’s resolutions are rubbish, and here I will lay out before the court five completely unscientific and unproven reasons as to why this is. And before anyone asks, they suck ass not arse, because if something sucks arse it becomes just a horrible image.
5. New Year’s resolutions make you hate other people
People who make New Year’s resolutions (screw it, can we just call them NYRs, save my typing fingers and be done with it?) tend to be horrible people who want to thrust their insecurities and imperfections onto others. I’ve jumped to this conclusion after years of being annoyed by such people, and believe it to be a watertight argument.
People who make new year goals are the worst, because they make you feel like you are not doing enough to better yourself, and that’s just awful because of my next point.
4. They create the impression you’re not fine the way you are
Who says I have to make a NYR? What’s wrong with me? Sure, I may not be perfect, but Gandhi was a racist and Elvis Pressley was a natural blonde.
I might have things that are rubbish about me but who are you to come on in here with your big stick and start hitting me with all the reasons I’ll never be made into a statue? Take your issues and aim them elsewhere, m’laddo, because I like drinking Irn Bru and eating crisps and farting whenever the mood takes me.
3. They set you up to fail
Hands up if you’ve ever actually, in real life, succeeded in a NYR? Oh there are a few of you, are there? Some who have probably been cunning and designed a NYR that you can’t not succeed at, like breathing air or having a glass of wine every day.
Well good for you, but for the rest of us trustworthy humans, NYRs are only setting us on a path to failure. Come September, who honestly remembers what their resolution was, never mind if they are still keeping to it? Most resolutions fail in January (probably), whilst from February onwards nobody cares about them anymore anyway (definitely).
2. They put you on the spot
Oh great, here comes Ugly Rita through the pub door, and she’s heading this way. She looks pissed already. Her shirt tail is hanging out and it looks like she’s been wiping her nose on it because it’s crusty. Here she comes now.
“Awright pals, here whit’s yer New Year’s resolution?”
There it is. She’s asked it. I told you she would. There’s always one. And now you have to come up with an answer, and that’s another reason why these things suck. They put you on the spot to come up with something meaningful and awesome.
It comes with the assumption that you actually have a resolution to make. And if you don’t, you need to find one quick or else you’ll look like a bloody up-yourself idiot. And then, even next to Ugly Rita, people will think you are a twat, and that’s as low as things can get.
1. New Year’s resolutions make you think big instead of small
And what if you come up with something small like “stop breathing so loudly” or “make more of an effort to re-use a mug in one day”? They are great things to start doing! But when you are up against things like running a marathon by the end of the year or becoming a bloody vegan, they look pathetic. And they shouldn’t, it’s the small things in life that add up to the bigger things. We can easily do small things, we can achieve great work when small things add up.
Let’s all start just doing small things, not just at New Year, but whenever we realise they should be getting done. Bit by bit, let’s make things better for ourselves! Let’s have a happy new year by not having any New Year’s Resolutions at all! Win!