By Harry Loney.
I don’t normally make videos. In fact, I don’t normally slag things off, because generally speaking, people are trying their hardest to get through life and earn a pound for some hard work. However, I’m putting my positive mindset to one side for this blog, as I plan to slag off to this highest order the Chicco vibration box.
If you are only here for the TL;DR (that’s too long, didn’t read, for those of you unfamiliar with such hip terms), it’s this:
DO NOT BUY THE CHICCO VIBRATION BOX. IT IS AWFUL AND LOUD AND IS LIKE HAVING SOMEONE USE A PNEUMATIC DRILL NEXT TO YOUR BABY’S HEAD.
Is that clear enough? The video is at the bottom of the page. But if you have time, let me explain what this is so.
Why the Chicco Vibration Box is the worst thing that has ever been invented
Let’s pause for a moment and think about how stuff gets made. I suppose on the most basic level, someone goes, “Look at that Thing. That Thing needs another Thing to help it do the Thing but better.” So this person goes off and invents Another Thing which, when used either as well as, or instead of, the Original Thing, makes the whole event of Thinging just a lot better.
Still with me?
So carrying on from this logic. Someone looked at the Chicco range of beds for babies, and also at all the babies who don’t sleep very well. And they thought to themselves, “I have an idea for a Thing that will vibrate gently, thus soothe baby enough to send baby into a deep and satisfying sleep.”
This person would then go off and make this Vibraty Thing, and people would cheer. However, when the person returned with a small round grey box that didn’t so much vibrate as shake the planet to its core, the cheering would stop and small rocks would be thrown instead. The rock size would grow as the Vibraty Thing made its way through product testing, market research, public testing and finally to production and marketing. I would like to think that by this point, entire mountain ranges would be getting lobbed at the inventor because seriously this is an awful product.
Let me be clear. The Chicco Vibration Box is an awful product. It’s hard for me to put into words how awful it is, and that’s saying something as I’m a writer. But let me try.
How to make a baby fall asleep
There are some tried-and-tested ways to make a baby fall asleep. These include rocking, singing lullabies, head-stroking and driving them around for hours in a car. Here’s a blog on what to do with a screaming toddler, in fact. Not one method – not one, I tells ya – includes having their cot shaken harder than James Bond’s martini. Similarly, having a noise louder than the winning woodpecker’s peck at the National Woodpeckers Loudest Peck competition is not a recommended strategy to encourage baby sleep.
A cot vibration is a great idea. A cot annihilation, not so much. To the makers of the Chicco Vibration Box, hang your heads in silent , non-vibration shame.
Me on the video
Now, I love words, me. But sometimes you just have to hear things for yourself. So I have made a little video for you, which I have called – and prepare yourself for this – DO NOT BUY THE CHICCO VIBRATION BOX. As a video title, I feel its reasonably self-explanatory. So please, sit back and enjoy these few seconds of the loudest, most stupidest and ridiculous thing that has ever graced the shops of the world. Oh, and if I haven’t made it clear already, DO NOT BUY THE – oh, you’ve got the message? Great.