By Harry Loney
You know that hot CBeebies presenter? It’s okay to watch her shows now.
When you’re preparing to be a Dad, the parenting advice you get is often terrible. If you can even call it advice. Yes, you’ll sleep will be disturbed for a while. Yes, you’ll need to get used to “that smell”. And sure, projectile vomit will be a constant threat for a few years. But what nobody ever seems to tell you is the super awesome stuff that you are now fully authorised to do. The best things about being a Dad. The little bits that make the whole thing just that little bit better, like the crunchy sides around a slice of bacon.
I don’t mean the horribly twee nonsense of seeing the world through young eyes again, or being an inspiration to the youth, yadda yadda…this is the good stuff right here.
Fellas, buckle up, because here’s the 5 best things about being a Dad, and they are going to make your life brilliant again.
5. You can play songs as many times as you want
Everyone has a song they just want to hear time after time. An old favourite, perhaps or a new earworm. Hearing it is one of the most fulfilling feelings in the world. Everything works for you. Rhythm, chorus…all the wordy bits in the middle. All you need to concern yourself with is the fact that you need to make your baby love that song.
Actually, wait, no. Scrub that.
You need to make your baby FALL ASLEEP to the song. This is the ultimate goal. Because if you do, an amazing thing will happen. You will be granted full permission to play that track on a loop from now until eternity. You can get Spotify to play it on repeat, and play it on every speaker in the house and nobody, my God nobody, can stop you because by doing so would mean they hate the baby and are therefore pure evil. So go forth, buddy, and play that B*Witched song at top volume. The world says you can.
4. You can watch that hot presenter on CBeebies without it being weird now
“Oh look”, he said, pretending to fumble the Sky remote. “I have accidentally pushed a button and Maddie Moate is on the telly presenting kid’s show Do You Know? And now the remote has fallen into disrepair and the channel cannot be altered! Alas!”
We’ve all been there, don’t worry big guy. Damned hot people on kids shows that you can’t watch because it would be weird. Well, good news! Want to know one of the absolute BEST best things about being a Dad? You can watch them all with a completely clear conscious now that you’re a dad! So it doesn’t matter if the child is asleep, or paying attention, or frankly even in the same room. It’s all research!
3. Your jokes become funny again
Remember that time when everything you said got a laugh? Your wit was a ferocious beast down the pub. Untamed and ready to pounce on the weak-minded. You couldn’t stop being funny. It was just the natural order of things.
And then, slowly, as the years went on, the laughter faded into smiles. The smiles died into smirks. Eventually, all you were left with was nothing but a slow exhale of air out of a pair of disappointed nostrils.
Well friends, gather round, for I have great news. Your days of being a comedy genius are back! Your child will find every single thing you do or say hilarious!
Blow your nose? Side-splitting cackles!
Pretend to trip? Doubled over with guffawing!
That old joke you read in a Christmas cracker in 1993 and it’s the only joke you can ever remember so when people ask you to tell a joke that’s the one you always come out with and everyone’s sick of it now? I’M GASPING FOR AIR, BUDDY!
2. ”Try me” buttons are no longer off-limits
One of the hardest things for anyone on this planet to do – and challenge me if I’m wrong – is to walk down a toy aisle and not push the ‘try me’ button on a toy that speaks. I’ve seen people collapse with panicked exhaustion halfway down at the effort of not pushing the button. And they only wanted to get to the chicory flour section anyway.
And now, my comrade, the time has come when all of this can be yours again. Place your child in the trolley and go freewheeling on your way, pressing any button that takes your fancy. This is a parenting win.
That dinosaur must roar. That car must flash its lights. That Tickle Me Elmo is, by the love of God, getting tickled. By the end of it, this aisle will be noisier than opening night at Glastonbury.
1. You won’t feel like a douche (as much) anymore
For the number one spot on this list I’d wondered what to put. I could go down the soppy route of saying that cuddles when you come home are the best thing to look forward to. Or the inspirational road by saying the journey of parenthood to see your child grow will be an adventure for everyone. Or some other crappy “I have emotions” bollocks.
The best thing about being a Dad? It’s that you’ve got a little guy or girl who thinks you’re ace. That’s pretty sweet. They don’t know that you forgot to put the washing in the machine and will get a bollocking when their mum comes home. They don’t know about that time you set fire to a staircase when you burped a flaming tequila. And for sure, they will never know about all those little niggling doubts you had about your parenting skills before they were born. They’ll make you feel brilliant and excited and my goodness…I think I’ve come over all emotional…