Serious Question: Where can I find a good pair of slippers?

by Harry

By Harry Loney.

I’m a pretty calm guy. I don’t get fazed too easily, and generally take things as they come. But see when it comes to a pair of slippers? Well, I demand excellence. A failure in this regard can lead to the manufacturer getting an ass-whoopin’ of tiny proportions, that exclusively takes place in my head. 

Please behold my writing on what makes a good pair of slippers, as well as reviews of slippers I have worn. Now, you might be reading this thinking it is the dullest idea for a blog ever. Well, it’s millennial whippersnappers like you that have caused this country to fall into disrepute. Now get off my lawn and try and read something without a bloody emoji in it. 

My Life as a Slipper Supporter

I’ve worn slippers since I was a lad. My parents did, and so I did. They kept my feet nice and warm, which was especially important in the Scottish climate, which is cold. As a result, in more ways that one, slippers were cool.

Then I went to university, where slippers were not cool. In fact, they were ridiculous and the only people who wore a pair of slippers were losers who didn’t get drunk every night. I most certainly did get drunk every night, so the slippers were shunned. And then, in a remarkable twist of this story, I decided I didn’t care and wore them anyway because my feet were really bloody cold. Because I was in Scotland. I mean, it all makes sense. 

I had always, to that point, worn pretty cheap slippers. The ones with solid plastic soles that wouldn’t bend if the planet blew up and smelled like the inside of a weasel’s backside. They only cost a few quid out of Shoezone. (As an aside, is that a Scottish company? Shoes Oan? Oh I make myself laugh, tapping alone here on my keyboard). 

Growing Up for Grown Up Slippers

But recently, as an Official Grown Up, I started to invest a bit more in slippers. I wanted to feel luxury on the soles of my feet, like I was strutting over marshmallows all day. I wanted my feet to be enveloped in a loving hug, as if a squirrel had wrapped its tail around my toes. And I’ll be a cobbler’s cobnut if I didn’t want my feet cosy-toasty all day long as if perched next to a flickering fire. So I did what every sensible grown up does, and asked my pals on Facebook to recommend something.

Unlike most things on Facebook, this didn’t turn out to be a s***storm of a mess. I actually got some decent recommendations, some warnings and even some really good ideas. Amazing I know (especially considering who I am friends with. Which is probably a few less now, if they read this.)

Some of Harry's friends giving slipper advice.
Behold. My friends.

However, I decided to go with a pair from Bedroom Athletics. Here is what I think of them.

My review of Bedroom Athletics Slippers

At the end of 2018, I bought a pair of Crowe Snow Tipped Sherpa Mens Slipper Boots. I paid the phenomenal sum of £25 for them. I see, looking today, that they are on sale for £15. This kind of annoys me, but hey ho. 

This isn’t me. You can tell because my tattoo is much bigger. And over my face. But these are the slippers in question.

When they first arrived and I slid them on, it was like inserting my foot into an angel’s…er…warm embrace. It was lovely and tight around my feet and ankles, and even kept part of my leg warm. I’d never had boot-like slippers before, so this was a revelation. It even had a zip! And hot damn, if they weren’t the best purchase I had ever made. That was until a month or two later, when things started to, how you say, get flabbier than a hooker’s tuppence.

Now, this could easily have been me using them too much. I was known to go out into the garden with them, for example. But then fate took over – a small child of my own half-making vommed completely and utterly all over them. Like, totally caked. So into the washing machine my pair of slippers went.

A Life Lesson in Slipper Maintenance

Unbeknownst to me, this was a foolish endeavour. It knackered the bejesus out of them, as it said on the instructions not to machine wash. They came out like a trod-upon hedgehog. Into the bin they went.

I didn’t want to give up on what might be a super-awesome brand so I bought more. This time, I bought two pairs as they were on sale for a tenner each. This goes to show that prices for stuff online is stupid. But anyway, they arrived and once again, I got that feeling like when you stick your, er…finger into a…um…tub of playdough. It felt goooooood. 

And goooooood it felt for a few weeks, until it happened again. Slackness! First around the calf, then gradually all around my foot, until it became a sloppy mess. Surely, an accident waiting to happen as I was coming down the stairs. I’d even been extra careful with these and not worn them outside. But it was okay – I had another pair of slippers. Surely these would last longer?

Here’s My Left Foot (up yours, Daniel Day Lewis). I’ve been assured that someone will Photoshop a slipper onto it before this is published, so it’s fine.

Nope. But I wore them for longer than I should have done, because I hate shopping. They ended up as a floppy state of affairs, and the plastic sole started to come away. My toe began peeking through the front, thus losing any warming benefit. I was going to take a photo of them but then the wife threw them out, which is fair enough really and maybe even saved my life.

So in conclusion therefore, the Bedroom Athletics slippers only turned out to be any good for keeping little dogs’ necks warm:

Would I buy these Bedroom Athletics slippers again? No I would not. So onto my next attempt at slippage success.

Debenhams Navy Knitted Slipper Boots

I am not your average Debenhams shopper. In fact, I don’t know when I last bought from them. However I landed myself a gift card, so thought I would get myself some slipslops. I went for Navy Knitted Slipper Boots. At the time, they cost a whopping £12.50, which is an hour and a half on minimum wage right there. I could have bought a pizza and Irn Bru instead. 

These Debenhams slippers were a similar style to the Bedroom Athletics ones, in that they were boot style rather than shoe style. But they also felt very good when I put them on. Warm and comfy, and nice and firm. And so they stayed…for a few weeks. Until they too began to get floppy and weak, and my feet began sliding all around in them. Look, here is what I mean. I’ve been wearing them until a couple of days ago until I decided that having a neck in one piece was preferable to warm feet:

A sloppy slipper
Is this a useful photo? The slipper bends around my foot. That aint right.

Would I buy these Debenhams slippers again? Of course not. Are you mad?

What Next in my Slipper Adventures?

So they will be going in the bin soon, leaving me with the unenviable decision of which slippers should I buy next. Should I splash out on a pair of Mahabis, which cost up from £70 – an unheard-of sum for indoor footwear in the Loney household? Or even some £90 (gasp) Just Sheepskin slippers?

Or maybe I should plod on down to Shoes Oan for some old £5 reliable hard plastic jobs, buy a dozen and that will keep my going for a year. Who knew slipper wearing could be so gosh darn exhausting?

But fear not, dear reader. I shall update this blog accordingly with my quest to find a good pair of slippers. This is a news story I’m sure you are all desperate to hear the end of…